I don't know if anyone reads this but if you do, I'm sorry for only the two posts. It's been such a long time since I've written but you know.
So update on my life? Hmm.... Not much to say. In the last week, I have had two interviews. I found out on Friday that I am currently the top candidate for a position with a head start program. I would be the Family Health Advocate. I'm excited about this position because it is a job and they are rewarding me for my education. However, I am so unbelievably disappointed in the fact that the job is not where geographically I want to be. But it's a start and it's all about baby steps right? At least that's what I keep telling myself.
Ahh... The boy that I love. Yep, still love him. Yep, still want to be with him more than anything. Yep, he still says he likes me as a sister. There are days when I just want to give up on him and be like nope, I'm done. I don't want to like you or love you anymore. But I can't. Every night, he calls me and we talk for hours. And he always, always calls me when he doesn't feel good. Take this morning, 3 am I'm the one he calls because he can't sleep and his back is hurting. He decides about 20 minutes later that he wants to try to go to sleep. Then he calls me at 4:30 because he still can't sleep. We talk for about a half an hour when he's like go back to bed. I hate that there is nothing, NOTHING I can do to help him. I can't take away his pain, I can't make him feel better and I can't be there in person to comfort him. I get so frustrated with him because he supposedly likes a coworker which can be such a mistake but he can't talk to her about anything going on. I'm the one he talks to. Oh so confusing. Oh well.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Stress...
Oh what a week it's been. It's been so hard to think from day to day let alone minute to minute with everything going on. I feel like I am definitely on the brink of losing it all. I'm right to my breaking point which is not good.
I am looking for a job. If you are one of the many unemployed people reading this, you know what I'm talking about. I just got my master's degree but it's been tough. I am hoping to find something soon. I am getting a little desperate!
As if looking for a job isn't stressful enough, my very best friend (and love of my life) is very sick. He has a lot wrong with him but the last three weeks have been really bad because he has had severe back pain. Crippling back pain. On Sunday he asked me to come up and help him. Currently I live four hours away so this is a big deal. I rushed up there and was only going to stay one night, but ended up staying until Wednesday. I didn't want to leave then but it was time. I have been in love with this guy for over a year now but he doesn't seem to love me the same way. It's so hard to see him in pain. I realized while with him that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and that realization has added even more stress because I know that things will never work out for us because he can't get over this other girl that he has liked for the last six years. Maybe one day I can move on from him.
To add to the stress of job searching and my friend and his illness and my realization, my grandfather had a heart attack. My grandfather is 91 years old and I don't think he will be here for much longer. I know he has lived a long life but it's hard for me to think about not having him around because he's always been my encourager. His heart attack was a lot worse than we had originally thought. It essentially killed the left bottom part of his heart. He also suffers from dementia. We have been trying for the last 5 years to get my grandparents into assisted living but they have resisted every step of the way. Now they have no choice. It's been a really rough week. Add to the fact that I think my biggest supporter and encourager only has a couple more weeks is devestating to me.
I really feel like God is pushing me to the point of no return. It's been so hard to deal with everything this week. I feel like just breaking down but I feel like I have to be the strong one. I have to be strong for my family because they are all struggling with what's going on, and I have to remain strong for my friend and be there for him because he really doesn't have much support and he is falling apart himself. He needs someone who will remain strong for him and I am that person for him. I feel like if I were to break down, I'd be letting down all these people. But a person can only remain positive and keep a smile on their face for so long before you start to wonder what the heck you are doing. I am starting to wonder how I can remain so positive and happy for all these people when inside, all I want to do is hide in a corner and cry. I know that things will eventually get better but right now, it's stressful and scary and tiring.
I am looking for a job. If you are one of the many unemployed people reading this, you know what I'm talking about. I just got my master's degree but it's been tough. I am hoping to find something soon. I am getting a little desperate!
As if looking for a job isn't stressful enough, my very best friend (and love of my life) is very sick. He has a lot wrong with him but the last three weeks have been really bad because he has had severe back pain. Crippling back pain. On Sunday he asked me to come up and help him. Currently I live four hours away so this is a big deal. I rushed up there and was only going to stay one night, but ended up staying until Wednesday. I didn't want to leave then but it was time. I have been in love with this guy for over a year now but he doesn't seem to love me the same way. It's so hard to see him in pain. I realized while with him that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and that realization has added even more stress because I know that things will never work out for us because he can't get over this other girl that he has liked for the last six years. Maybe one day I can move on from him.
To add to the stress of job searching and my friend and his illness and my realization, my grandfather had a heart attack. My grandfather is 91 years old and I don't think he will be here for much longer. I know he has lived a long life but it's hard for me to think about not having him around because he's always been my encourager. His heart attack was a lot worse than we had originally thought. It essentially killed the left bottom part of his heart. He also suffers from dementia. We have been trying for the last 5 years to get my grandparents into assisted living but they have resisted every step of the way. Now they have no choice. It's been a really rough week. Add to the fact that I think my biggest supporter and encourager only has a couple more weeks is devestating to me.
I really feel like God is pushing me to the point of no return. It's been so hard to deal with everything this week. I feel like just breaking down but I feel like I have to be the strong one. I have to be strong for my family because they are all struggling with what's going on, and I have to remain strong for my friend and be there for him because he really doesn't have much support and he is falling apart himself. He needs someone who will remain strong for him and I am that person for him. I feel like if I were to break down, I'd be letting down all these people. But a person can only remain positive and keep a smile on their face for so long before you start to wonder what the heck you are doing. I am starting to wonder how I can remain so positive and happy for all these people when inside, all I want to do is hide in a corner and cry. I know that things will eventually get better but right now, it's stressful and scary and tiring.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Lets try again.
Hmm... I think this is like the third or fourth time I've tried this blogging thing. Let's see how this one works for me. So in case anyone wants it, here is some background that will eventually be relevant to anyone who reads my blog. I'm from a small town and am desperate to get out and move to the big city! I'm definitely a city girl. I come from a law enforcement family so I always side with the cops. Sorry but true. I just graduted from grad school with my master's in education. Not my master's in teaching however. I want to be a school counselor. But, counselors are being cut right and left in my state. I am currently looking for a job (wish me luck!). I am also madly in love with a guy who says he doesn't like me but I think he is full of crap. Oh well! I think that is everything you would need to know right off the back. I'm anxious to start my life and I'm hoping to find a job really soon so that it can begin. But... who knows what will happen. I'm open to almost anything and I think things are going to work out really soon one way or the other!
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